new years, catholicism, and procrastinators

This is going to be a really random assortment of things-- be forewarned!

I hate New Years resolutions. Therefore, I never make them. If you really want to change something in your life, do something about it when the idea occurs to you. If you decide in April that you want to shed those lovehandles, start being a nicer person, quit smoking, stop serial-killing or whatever change you see necessary in your life, why wait til the following January to actually do something about it? You could lose those 15 pounds, replace your outer bitch with your inner sweetheart, lessen your chances of lung cancer, and spare a few lives long before January 1st rolls around. So, in a nutshell, that's why I think they're stupid.

Another reason that I don't make resolutions is because I am admittedly lazy/ indifferent/ unmotivated about things like that. (Example: the one time I tried an actual organized diet, I did it with my roommate and we lasted for two weeks before we bought a bag of Dorito's and freakin went to town on those bad boys. Mmm, crisp, cheesy deliciousness.) I don't see the need for a whole lot of changes in my life and the things that I could hypothetically change about my lifestyle or myself don't bother me enough to actually do anything about them. I'm pretty healthy, I'm not fat, I don't smoke, I'm nice although sarcasm sometimes gets the best of me, I don't drink unhealthy amounts of alcohol (anymore), I don't torture my siblings (anymore), etc. I'm not saying I'm perfect (pretty damned close though!), but hell... if I don't bother others and I don't bother me, then why try to fix what's not broken if you know what I mean.

"Giving up" things for Lent goes right up there with New Years resolutions. Granted I went to the 'College of the Holy Cross' and life experiences have confirmed that yes, I believe in God, however I do not like or support my religion (don't tell my Grandma. I made the mistake of telling her that I never have gone nor go to church in Spain... and I've never seen such a look of utter disbelief and disappointment. It was a key lesson on 'when lying is a GOOD thing'). So why would I change my lifestyle for forty days for something that I don't believe in? When I was a kid in CCD classes I already knew that me and the Catholic church weren't overly compatible, so when they asked us what we were giving up for Lent, I'd always just say "I'm giving up chocolate" to get them off my back. Then I'd eat a KitKat bar on my ride home. A king size one just for emphasis. Devout is my middle name.

Meanwhile, for Christmas my dad gave me the "Procrastinator's Planner for 2006," full of tips, tidbits, and laughs for chronic procrastinators such as myself. So, for a chuckle, here is the procrastinator's planner's take on New Years resolutions:

Every January 1st you decide that THIS year will be THE year. Promises are made, resolutions are set... then two weeks later the dementia sets in and it's, "Resolutions? What resolutions?" Sure, you could go that route, or you could make some effortless changes for the better. Who said eating more ice cream isn't worthwhile? What genius made clothing size the measure of a human being's worth? Skip the guilt and stress this year, and jump right into some more realistic resolutions:
Relax- Get more sleep
Be loved unconditionally- Adopt a dog
Love unconditionally- Buy an inflatable doll
Get into shape- Choose any shape you desire
Prepare for your future- Find a sugar mommy or daddy
Learn something new- Figure out how to work the DVD player
Find inner happiness- Find a good gin
Love yourself- Tattoo your own name on your arm
Find daily inspiration- Read your horoscope
Become a better person- Become a better procrastinator.