deep thoughts on... lettuce

Lettuce is not meant to fly solo.

As I am increasingly anxious for the arrival of sunny spring afternoons and as yesterday's lunchtime temperature was a delightful 63 degrees, a coworker and I ventured to a nearby plaza to dine in style side-by-side on a bench. Despite the abundance of evil pigeons (insert fearful shudder), things were looking up. That is, until I sat down and removed the tupperware lid of my salad, at which time I realized I forgot my salad dressing back in the office refrigerator. Hungry, not wanting to make a scene and much too lazy to walk back, I started in on my dressingless lettuce and tomatoes. It was neither enjoyable nor satisfying.

So let's put this into metaphorical terms: aviation. Lettuce atop a tuna sandwich? Smooth sailing. In a colorful salad topped with dressing? No turbulance here. As a garnish? You are free to move about the cabin. But lettuce flying solo is essentially the culinary equivalent of a flight student sans his seasoned instructor who clearly knows better. Would you want to be a passenger on that flight? I certainly wouldn't!

So to all of you people on the lick-the-lettuce diet, I am totally and unabashedly judging you. To you anorexia-proned individuals who insist with an exaggerated smile that "oh my God I just LOVE the taste of dry lettuce... salad dressing just detracts from the earthy taste of nature" or whatever crap you've brainwashed yourself into believing, I can only say "LIAR!" What do you think you are- a rabbit? Hell, your idea of fine dining is probably grabbing a handful of freshly-raked leaves from the pile in your back yard, maybe even following up the main dish with a good gnaw on a bamboo chute, a la panda bear. De-lic-ious.

So enjoy your bowl of dry leaves and your "favorite" afternoon snack of ice cubes. I'll be lathering my lettuce in this delightful vinaigrette and looking forward to my afternoon snack- my daily chocolate supplement.