give me presents!!!

Despite my overall indifference towards the day's "hip" fashion trends (leggings under skirts, boots over skinny jeans, anything that isn't the timeless combination of jeans and solid-colored cotton shirts...), I do enjoy perusing the pages of a fashion magazine from time to time. However, due to the lack of a pre-paid, home-delivery subscription, I am faced each month with the oh-so-daunting task of choosing but one glossy cover of the bunch.

Cosmo, In Style, Vogue, Glamour... the options are unlimited. Yet when it comes down to it, all "girl" magazines are just carbon copies of each other in that they essentially boil down to the following key elements:

• How to tone your (insert flabby body part) in just 6 days
  
  
• Cheesy monthly horoscopes, complete with lucky days your best astrological love match of the month
  

• How to make him (insert beg for more, commit, horny, say I love you, leave you the hell alone, etc.)
  
  
• (Insert number) easy do-it-yourself hair styles
  

• Fashion must-haves for (insert season and year) for (insert number) dollars or less

• Edgy photo shoot and accompanying interview with (insert celebrity) on family, finding inner peace, losing that pesky post-pregnancy weight and her budding relationship with (insert male celebrity/soon to be 4th husband/future 4th ex-husband)

With such a predictable formula, how, how, how can an indecisive gal like myself choose amongst the array of identical publications? The common go-to routine is to thumb through the whole magazine to see if it's got anything good; however, by the end you realize that you've seen the whole thing and buying the magazine would therefore be a complete waste of a perfectly good four bucks. You put the magazine back on the shelf, avoid the glaring eyes of the cashier and walk back out the door. Nobody wins.

Incentives, folks. I need incentives. I am indecisive but I have a lonely five dollar bill in my pocket. Sway me. Entice me. Seduce me.

It would seem that the current brains behind today's Spanish marketing campaigns studied together, having come to the collective - albeit obvious - conclusion that the most effective way to lure a customer is by appealing to their affinity for tangible goodies. So while the idea of "incentives" was made quite clear during their years of study, you can tell which former marketing students were the stars of their class (buy a newspaper, get a classic Muzzy video) and which ones barely passed (buy a tub of butter, get an English dictionary).

As for magazines, I would bet money that the real ace marketing students can now be found as campaign managers in fashion magazines. Why? Because instead of looking at magazine covers or giving them the ole thumb-through, I am easily sold to whoever is giving me the best free gift. And it's not a "send away for a free gift" or "log on to our website and enter this code and enter in the drawing for a free gift and maybe you'll win in six to eight weeks." No, no, no.

I'm talking gift-in-hand when I walk out the door. I've seen sandals, pj pants, t-shirts, scarves, beach cover ups, jewelry... fashion magazines totally put effort into their gift-giving. InStyle, the king pin of purses and bags, has proven to be a Betsey front-runner, and I have absolutely no problem admitting that my favorite bathing suit is a one-size-fits-all that came free last summer with an issue of Vogue.

Keep 'em coming!