betsey's gone a little goosy upstairs

Well I’m sitting in Heathrow Airport for my kickass 4 hour layover. I’ll have to remember to copy/paste this bad boy because I’m way too cheap to pay for internet hurr in the airport. I’ve been here since 5am. It’s now 8:24. Kill me. Please. No, really… just pretend I’m that soccer coach that made you feel like shit for missing the goal or something when you were 8 and kick my head in. Like Emilio’s childhood hockey coach in the Mighty Ducks. I’m really tired but terrified of succumbing to this lounge chair by falling asleep and missing my flight… so forms of entertainment are necessary, especially now that I’ve finished the last of my Butterfinger (sigh). I’ve resorted to eavesdropping on a whole slew of conversations going on around me, now that these people are awake and this area of the terminal no longer appears to be the hospital coma ward. I think, well actually I know for a fact, that I’ve gotten caught a couple times- you know, when you’re looking at somebody and all of a sudden you realize that they’re looking back at you… and yet you keep looking for an extra 2 awkward seconds. Yeahh..

Side note (to give you some atmosphere)…. somebody is snoring really loudly and nobody is taking him/her out of his/her misery and there is a child wailing so obnoxiously that it puts into question any future of mine as a mother. Annnd I’m pretty positive that the sound that just emerged from that carriage was him regurgitating this mornings applesauce. Even more annoying are his clearly inept parents who are sharing an Ipod to drown out their child’s screams. Jerks.

Meanwhile, here is a question- odd but totally legit- that just popped into my head. I was sitting here watching/blatantly listening to a couple (traveling to Milan it appears- does anyone else have Will Ferrell in their head right now?). They’re comparing their passports which got me to thinking why married couples, for example, can’t have joint passports. I guess there’s always that (ever growing) possibility that a divorce will make this idea problematic and I’m sure that there are all sorts of security breaches involved in issuing a joint passport. So THIS led me to thinking about other instances which might call for a joint passport. Logically my thought process then led me to thinking of Siamese twins. Is it really necessary to have two passports for two people who are, say, connected at the head? I mean honestly, if Siamese twins appear together on one passport, is some dumbass security guy actually going to glance between the quite literally bonded brothers and the passport questioning whether the Bob connected to the Larry in the passport photo is the Bob connected to the Larry trying to pass through security? Plus, I highly doubt that any terrorists are going to pose as Siamese twins... it wouldn’t exactly put Muhammed Al Bakalaka (that came out very racist, and I don’t mean it to be… I’m basically using Team America as the source for my terrorist’s name) and his cohort discretely under the radar. I can’t think of any instance, be it terrorism or any other objective one wishes to achieve, in which someone would say, for any reason, “I know how we’re going to do it. YES! We will glue ourselves together at the ass. Brilliant!” I’m giving my imaginary terrorist a British accent and I don’t know why- the ‘Brilliant’ is to be said like the little animated bathing suit-clad men say it on the Guinness commercials.

Along the same lines, it’s kinda like when they tell 287 year old decrepit grandmas in wheelchairs to remove their shoes because clearly a woman who is old enough to have romped about with Tyrannosaurus Rex back in the day would be capable of concocting some complex terrorist attack using her orthopedic, doctor-issued shoes. Ok, back to our attached amigos… of course there’s always that chance that they will be surgically separated, but until then is it REALLY necessary to have two passports? The answer, people, is no.

Good God get me on this plane and to Madrid so I can take a nap.