sPaNgLiSh GrAmMaR

Over the past 23 years, I've been on the receiving end of a lot of criticism for never having seen the Star Wars Trilogy... and even more for having seen only the new ones (look people, it wasn't my choice- Mark dragged me!). I think I pretty much have a grasp on what happens, however everything I know about the plots of the first three Star Wars I learned from the episode of Friends where Ross's erotic fantasy is for Rachel to dress up as Princess Leia (Laya? Leya? Lea? Oh hell, whatever the name is of the chick with the weird hair) and the Star Wars Gangsta Rap (if you don't know of it or haven't seen it, ASK ME. It's amazing), whose lyrics I actually have memorized (don't judge!! Allison and Krissy too!). I know, I know. I get it... it's a big deal. It's just that the Han-Solo-laden, Yoda-wisdom-divulging, I'm-your-father-admitting, light-saber-battling movies just haven't made their way into my VCR. Or my house. Or my list of movies to see. However, I do have a little something, apart from jokes a la Triumph the Insult Dog (Oh Conan... I miss you so... tear, sniff, snort... I swear to God if I come home to 2-3 weeks of repeats like the last time, you're going to hear about it) to contribute: the results of my mind-wanderings at 3:30 this morning. Typical night in the sack with the Bets-meister, really.

You've guessed correctly. This morning, I, Elizabeth M. Mattern, discovered the key to Yoda's whacky speech patterns... and here it is: it's just Spanish grammar, or probably that of any language stemming from Latin, but written/spoken in English! The crazy differences between English and Spanish regarding the order in which the subject, verb, etc. go is something that you have to get used to and proves at times to be a struggle... it's always just seemed so backwards (although I do admit that over time, sentence structure in Spanish began to make a lot more sense to me). But regardless, now it's all coming together and I see the real reason for the tricky little differences: it has allowed for the style of Yoda to be invented. SO OBVIOUS.

I was in bed, thinking about grammar (because that's what the cool kids are doing these days) and at the same time thinking about the symptoms I was/am currently experiencing of an oncoming illness. The two completely unrelated trains of thought collided head-on, and the result was: Me duelen los ojos = They hurt me my eyes do. In a flash, all I saw was a familiar green. No, not envy, not Fenway Park, but the other green... I saw YODA. From there, I probably amused myself in bed (in a G-rated way, you sickos) for a solid hour thinking up sentences and paragraphs in English but using Spanish grammar rules. Spanglish grammar... newly discovered to be Yoda-speak. I think it's finally proven that I'm one of those people that, since I don't do or take any sort of drugs, should start A-sap.

So the next big question which I've been tossing around in my head... in Star Wars dubbed into Spanish, is it in Spanish but using the rules of ENGLISH grammar??? In the Spanish version, does Yoda even talk weird? Did that cross over? When watching Star Wars in English, do Spanish people understand Yoda better than, for example ___________ (fill in with the name of whichever other galactic character, I dont really know any) who speaks in regular English? So many questions...

Oh geez... I read what I just wrote annnd have concluded that I am fo shizzle, sin duda, not a doubt in my mind, definitivamente... an idiot. Better to be an idiot than a raging hormonal biatch though, right?