Thursday, May 31, 2007

conjunction junction, what's your function

During the second year of my illustrious - illustrious in this context translating to frequent hangovers, constant procrastination and the rediscovery of Lucky Charms - academic career at Holy Cross, I was faced with a decision. No, not deciding whether or not to go to Spain the following year, but rather deciding which of my remaining core requirements I would fill and which ones I would put off until senior year.

Deciding to ignore icky-icky science for as long as humanly possible, I decided that I would suck it up and get my philosophy requirement out of the way. I would eventually fill that remaining math/science requirement during my final semester with a riveting class commonly referred to as Physics for Dummies. The geology class, better known as "Rocks for Jocks," had - much to my chagrin - been cancelled the previous year with the retirement of its 964-year old professor.

Now I'm not exactly into the whole "what is life, why do we exist" spiel, so when perusing the catalogue for possible philosophy courses, I narrowed in on a class called Logic & Language. I figured it would be something like the logical study of language and therefore devoid of all that far-fetched philosophical bull-poo. I was half right, but that's a story for another day. Let's just put it this way. I never "did" office hours. Never! And yet I was in that professor's office at least 8 times that semester with a look on my face which I believe communicated to him what I was feeling: "What the FRIJOLES are you talking about?"

The professor of the class was German, and whenever he spoke I couldn't help but think of him as one of the jolly animatronic oompah boys in the Bavarian Christmas Village at the Yankee Candle Company in Massachusetts (exactly 2 people will know what I'm talking about). Sure, he'd often launch into a lesson speaking and scribbling on the board in his mother tongue. Sure, sometimes we had no idea what the guy was saying or how to spell any of the philosopher names that he spat out because his accent was so thick that everything just sounded like spoken marbles. However, when it came to conjunctions, the guy was a veritable fiend.

I have never in my life heard anybody else who so often integrates "ergo," "hitherto," "notwithstanding" and "thenceforth" into conversations- even when I'd run into him outside of class and he'd chat about his son's soccer (or "sog-haahhh") game. The pride and joy of his mental bank of conjunctions was, without a doubt, "insofar as." I quickly took to keeping a tally at the top my page of notes (I remember once counting over 65), something I've done since middle school whenever I've picked up on teachers' habits- an entertaining tactic to get through class without falling asleep. However, I often had to stop, as the class material had such an incredible knack for being boring that I would become delirious, nearly erupting into laughing fits every time he said it.

I often contemplated my professor's dominance of the conjunction; I couldn't help but picture the miniature red-cheeked version of my professor as a child in the Bavarian Alps reciting lists of conjunctions in knee socks and lederhosen, a beer stein in one hand and a fork loaded up with kraut in the other. Oh, and then Heidi and Peter showed up and they ran off to frolic with the goats.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Fat Hell

Fat, in most contexts, brings to mind images of obese swimsuit-clad women at theme parks, colossal men scratching their asses and plump 9 year olds named Marshall who thrive on a steady diet of Ruffles, Hershey bars and Big Macs.

Hell, as we all know, is the final hang-out for the world's so-called "bad boys," not to mention the cozy subterranean abode of Lucifer himself. A land with no exit door, but with an abundance of bubbling magma, nursing home thieves and politicians. Now that my imagination's running wild, I can't help but wonder if hell has monasteries for "wayward" priests. Hmm.

So Fat Hell would be what? A fiery abyss ruled by a tubby lord of darkness with chocolate constantly smeared in the corners of his mouth? No, no, no! Fat Hell may seem - to the untrained imagination - the epitome of unappealing destinations. However, the negatives cancel each other out, making Fat Hell a paradisaical land. It's pure mathematics, folks.

Comparable in many ways to Willy Wonka's clandestine factory of widespread literary and cinematic acclaim, Fat Hell is a magical place to which my friend Joanne and I frequently refer. No Oompa-Loompas though; frankly, they creep me out with their Gregorian-like chanting and orange hues acquired from extensive fake-baking sessions in the melanoma booths.

Despite its reference to Hell, Fat Hell is not yet a part of popular culture and it's definitely not used as a fist-waving threat in any recognized religion. However, plans are tenatively in the works for the creation of a non-suicidal, non-comet-chasing but sugar-loving and hyperactive cult in which adoring members bow down and lay offerings of Cadbury mini-eggs at the feet of chocolate effigies of their wise leader: me.

Anyway, Fat Hell is a positive place. If I walk into a room at 9:00 in the morning and Joanne is elbow deep in apple pie, I simply acknowledge what we both know: she's going to fat hell. Then we laugh maniacally and she hands me a fork. If Joanne condemns me to Fat Hell just for the heck of it, we toast to my impending doom by running out to buy pair of pastries. After all, being condemned to Fat Hell is, when it comes down to it, the equivalent of being exiled to an island in the Caribbean with swaying palm trees, crystalline waters and a tan daquiri-fetching cabana boy named Diego.


All that said, I'm pleased to present the Fat Hell Recipe of the Month.

Fat Hell Recipe of the Month
Reeses Peanut Butter Cup Sandwich

Ingredients
:
2 slices of bread (alternate possibility and Betsey favorite: 2 graham crackers)
Skippy Superchunk Peanut Butter, 2 tablespoons or to taste
Betty Crocker "Rich & Creamy" Chocolate Frosting, 2 tablespoons or to taste

Directions:
Create. Enjoy.

Monday, May 07, 2007

story time

I spent the night in the city park. Sure, it's not a five-star hotel resort, and sure, the nights in the park are cold and boy are they dark... but the park affords us hours of tranquil peace in which we can dream about what life could have been, should fortune have only chosen a different path for us.

We - that is, us lowly guys - aren't picky when it comes to sleeping accommodations. Essentially we just settle in for the evening wherever we wind up once the sun goes down. Next to the swings, underneath the slide, inside the sandbox... wherever, really. Considering where some of us wind up, the park is like the country club of us ill-fated nobodies. The silence goes undisturbed- well, aside from the occasional prostitute that click-clacks by in her 5-inch platform heels in search of clientele. As long as they don't inadvertently step on us (the heels on those duds can inflict quite the blinding degree of pain), we coexist quite peacefully with society's godforsaken outcasts. Prostitutes, beggars, drug dealers, runaway teens...and us. We all have a common bond... a thread that unites us: people look down upon us. They forget us. We are, in every sense of the word, anonymous.

As the city's forgotten ones, we spend all day being walked on, kicked through the streets, thrown into puddles. For the love of God, if I had to tally up the number of times a sweater-wearing Yorkshire terrier has lifted its leg to shower me with its morning bowl of filtered water... well let's just say I don't have the fingers and toes to count that high. It's humiliating.

Today, I spent earliest moments of the morning enduring the kicking rage of a couple of ratty-haired school children whose parents, accompanying them to school while chattering away on their expensive cell phones, have clearly failed to provide an adequate upbringing. What ever happened to love and respect towards all of God's creations? Do you know what it's like to be kicked down the street, wind up in a puddle and lie there shocked and appalled as nobody says a word? Let's just say it's not an ego-booster.

Feeling particularly dejected following the morning's incident, I was presented with the unique opportunity - the opportunity we all wait and hope for - to even the score against the world's so-called "blessed" ones. It was going to be a victory for all of us... a symbolic event that would give us hope and change the future. Images flashed through my mind of me - little ole me - appearing in the history books, the encyclopedias, the classroom posters. They would interview me in Time Magazine about my inspiring rags to riches story, and I'd speak eloquently about the French Revolution, Rosa Parks' quest for equality through simple acts and my dream of eradicating social stratification around the globe.

I saw her coming nearly a block away. She was absolutely stunning. I hated her confident stride, her elegant air and her designer busines suit. I conveniently got in her way. Well, that is, I conveniently got in the way of one of her expensive European stiletto heels. She tripped and fell to her knees. She looked down at me and scowled before glancing around and smiling awkwardly at those who caught her in her fall from grace. I had done it! I was already envisioning my agenda booked solid with speaking engagements, commencement addresses, invitations to black-tie dinners...

But then, she stood up brushing herself off and laughing, commenting to the onlookers about how silly it was of her to have worn her brand new shoes without getting used to them first. Young women who had paused mid-step when they caught the flailing arms out of the corners of their eyes were now sharing a laugh... but they weren't laughing at her, they were chuckling and sympathizing with her!

"Oh why that happened to me just yesterday!"
"You know how us women are with our shoes..."
"Where DID you get those shoes? They're adorable."

No, this couldn't be!!! The young woman flipped her hair, caught her reflection in the store window, and smiled - her chin up and her shoulders back - before continuing along her way... leaving me there, forgotten and defeated, in the middle of the sidewalk.

Such is the frustrated life of a pebble.

Friday, May 04, 2007

I can't help it... these are strangely addicting to fill out

Survey: 70 Quirks about me:

1. What are your initials?
EMM... although good ole cousin Bill likes to point out that they're also BM. Whatever dude, his are BO.

2. What is your favorite thing to wear?
an eyepatch. yarrr

3. Last thing you ate?
apple

5. I say Shotgun, you say?
nuh uh I already called it

6. last person you hugged?
lucky, lucky person

7. Does anyone you know wanna date you?
well i certainly hope so

8. Has anyone ever bought you flowers?
yes

9. Name something you like physically about yourself.
toss up between my abs of steel and my rockin ass

10. The last place you went out to dinner to?
kebab!

11. Who is your best friend?
mark j guarraia.. 19 years and going

12.Why are you still up?
namely because they might not take it well if i just passed out on the keyboard

13. Who/What made you angry today?
nobody yet... it's just a matter of time though...

14. What was the last injury you've had?
cut on thumb? does that even count?

15. Do you have any tattoos?
aside from the "naughty" scribed on my ass, nope

16. Favorite type of Food?
potatoes (chips, fries, mashed, baked...)

17. Favorite holidays:
thanksgiving... the only holiday dedicated solely to the art of unbuttoning one's pants and eating oneself into a food coma

18. Do you download music:
yes. arrest me

19. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
well if there's an option between dirty socks and clean ones, i'll take the clean ones...

20. Is your hair clean?
pshhh personal hygiene is overrated... but society says i have to shower, so i do

21. Would you date the person who posted this?
haha

22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
i think i would laugh... the "hold it in, hold it in... EXPLODE" kind of laugh

24. Do you like Bush?
in either context of the question, no

25. Do you like to swim?
i don't know if i'd define my water activities as "swim" but i like to bob around... particularly if it involves a giant inflatable alligator or something...

26. Have you ever gone white-water rafting?
scares me

27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
it's spain. it's what old men do

29. Have you met a real redneck?
middlebury, vermont... a town with two bars and fame for being the birthplace of john deere. enough said

30. How is the weather right now?
sunny... it's no match for this fabulous fluorescent lighting though... SIGH

31. What are you listening to right now?
billy joel- downeaster alexa .... NEW ENGLAND REPRESENTTTT

32. What is your current favorite song?
?

33. What was the last movie you watched?
umm... the perfume... or at least the 2/3 of it that i tolerated

34. Do you wear contacts?
20/20 baby!

35. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
work?

36. What are you afraid of?
1. drowning... back seat of a two-door car going off a bridge... does this not bother ANYONE ELSE?
2. birds... i swear those damn pigeons are plotting world domination... i see unbridled wrath in their beady little eyes...

37. How many piercings have you had?
5... we're down to 4 though

38. How many pets do you have?
4

39. What's one thing you've learned this year?
that a spanish term for "camel toe" translates to "deaf mute," because you can read her lips...

40. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
no clue

42. Have you ever fired a gun:
only ones that squirts water

43. Are you missing someone?:
lots of someones

44. Favorite TV show?
arrested development, scrubs, how i met your mother...

45. Do you have an iPod?:
yeah

46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb?
according to those celebrity look-alike photo analyzer thingees, my closest match was lucy liu. fyi, SHE'S CHINESE.

47. Do you have a celeb crush?
of course

48. Who would you like to see right now?
my daaaaaaaaadddyyyyyyy

49. Favorite movie of all time?
little mermaid... OBVI

50. Are you loved?
hope so!

51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't suppose to?
who hasn't?

52. Favorite flower?
daffodil perhaps?

53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?
butter & salt... if i'm gonna buy popcorn at the movie theater, it had DAMN well promise to give me a heart attack

54. What Magazines are you reading?
i'll spring for an InStyle from time to time... namely when they come with free stuff

55. What's your favorite pair of jeans?
i have 2, and they're from the same place.

56. Has anyone you were really close to passed away recently?
the last was my beloved beta fish, jesus

57. What was the funnest thing you've done in the past 24 hours?
power-walked to work listening to Ace of Base. i know... awesome

58. What's something that really bugs you?
people that can't spell / write; the woman in my office
who constantly smokes even though she's 8 months pregnant

59. Do you like Michael Jackson?
his old school music rocks... the fact that he named his son blanket, however, does not

60. What are you wearing right now?
a smirk

61. What's your favorite smell?
just after it rains; the ocean; banana bread in the oven; orange blossoms; fresh cucumber candle from Yankee Candle Company; new tennis balls; fruit markets

62. Favorite baseball team?
red sox!!! who wants to go this summer???

63. Favorite cereal?
lucky charms! i've come a long way since age 6...

65. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep?
3 days in college.... ahhh, holy cross: where your best hasn't been good enough since 1843

66. Last time you went bowling?
when i was home for xmas... wild night in SE CT...

67. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
well when i was a kid i spent years either sleeping inside my closet or underneath my parents' bed...

68. Who was your last phone call?
BERRRRRRRRRRRRNICE

69. Last time you were at work?
now... and now... annnnd now...

70. What's the closest orange object to you?
close call... either orange juice or an Enforex brochure...